The rules of Hogwarts mainly for me
by ProvidingTheAnswerToTheRiddle
Summary: A few rules for the kids. A wee bit stupid. T because I'm paranoid. R&R.
1. Chapter 1

50 things a Hogwarts student should not do.

Dress up as You-know-Who for Halloween.

Claim they have a Dalek patronus.

Claim they are a Dalek animagus.

Claim they have a pet Dalek.

Give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

Draw dark Marks on sleeping students arms.

Call the Ghostbusters on the ghosts.

Or Peeves.

Ask the Giant Squid to the ball.

10. Assassinate the DADA teacher so it's done and dusted.

11. Simply write '42' on every hard exam question.

12. Call Professor Flitwick 'Yoda'.

13. Sing 'The Badger Song' at Hufflepuff matches.

14. Refer to Hannah Abbot, Justin Flinch-Flenchy and Susan Bones as Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles.

15. Pose naked for Colin Creevey.

16. Pose naked for Dean Thomas.

17. Ask Harry if his 'Voldy senses' are tingling.

18. Attempt to start Naked Thursdays in the Common room.

19. Announce an official 'Hug a Slytherin' day.

20. Tell Sir Cadogan you are one of the knights who say 'Ni'.

21. Use socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin serpent.

22. Play snooker with one's wand.

23. Tell first years to build their tree house in the Whomping Willow.

24. Pretend to be the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

25. Ask Professor Lupin if it's 'his time of the month'.

26. Make lightsaber sounds when casting a spell.

27. Call Professor Dumbledore 'My Liege.'

28. Or 'Jesus.'

29. Greet Professor Sprout with 'Attack of the killer Tomatoes'.

30. Set an angry dragon at the Whomping Willow.  
31. Force Professor Dumbledore to reveal his true age.

32. Snicker evilly every time the Chamber of Secrets is mentioned.

33. Claim they are a Jedi.

34. Claim they are a Time Lord.

35. Tell the Ravenclaws the library is closed forever.

36. Scream 'GEEK!' every time they see Miss Granger.

37. Grow magic mushrooms for 'extra credit' in Herbology

38. Rewrite library book with the 'Accio' charm nicknamed 'The Force'.

39. Claim the X files tapes are Auror Training videos.

40. Claim they are a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

41. Introduce Hagrid to Pokémon.

42. Yell 'BURN!' every time Professor Snape docks points from Gryffindor.

43. Start food fights in the Great Hall.

44. Bring fortune cookies to Divination, just to scare Professor Trelawney.

45. Sign exams 'Dark Lord Happy Pants'.

46. Draw moustaches on Professor Lockhart's portraits.

47. Use Umbridge's pen to write 'hardcore' messages.

48. Lick Trevor.

49. Attempt to sign a peace treaty with Voldemort.

50. Try and sell 'Gryffindor Courage'. We all know it's Firewhiskey.


	2. Chapter 2

- If Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmede I will not point at the sky and shout, "TO THE BAT MOBILE!"

- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar.

- I will not say, "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.

- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape.

- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.

- It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

- "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

- I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them Smurfs.

- "I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!" is immature.

- "So I was all like Avada Kedavra and he was all like. Dead." Is also immature.

- I will not call Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret. It's immature.

- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

- Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...

- Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

- I am not allowed to sing 'we're off to see the wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office.

- I am especially not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

- Definitely not with kazoos.

- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

- There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man"...Even if I do conjure him up.

- Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

- Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.

- I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

- I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "Mini me."

- Murmuring "I see dead people… " every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

- Yelling "To infinity, and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

- I am no longer allowed to sing my "own personal spy music" when I wander around the hallways.

- I should not remark that, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," when Snape gets angry. Ever.

- If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change.

- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

- In short, leave James Potter's jokes rest with him.


End file.
